The Grammy Awards or: How I Learned to Stop Listening and Love the Mediocracy

It literally took ten minutes into the show to make me recall how much I dislike the Grammys. Every year, it's the same old thing! It's almost as predictable as Dick Clark's American Music Awards. Actually, nothing is as bad as Dick's "Public Relations" award show, but it's getting damn close!

The Police opened the show with a smoking version of "Roxanne," and things were looking good. (In case you missed it, you can see the video below.) Then came the first award. Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder win for Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals over the more worthy "Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado & Timbaland, and the sinking feeling in my stomach of Grammy Awards shows past returned. So while Gnarls Barkley, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Mary J. Blige, Carrie Underwood, and The Dixie Chicks were all winners, I won the award for "Best Traditional Upset Tummy." Wow, who could have possibly seen all of this coming? I did. See, I have a formula to predicting any winner for the Grammys. I swear to God, it works 90% of the time. Here is how it works: Look at the nominations, then find either the song or artist you are most sick of, or the song or artist that your parents most recognize. Odds are that the winner of the award will fit in at least one of those categories if not both.


Let's test this theory shall we? The actual winner of the category is in gold.

Best Electronic/Dance Album

(For vocal or instrumental albums. Albums only.)

• Supernature
  Goldfrapp
  [Mute]
  
  
• Confessions On A Dance Floor
  Madonna
  [Warner Bros.]
  
  
• A Lively Mind
  Oakenfold
  [Maverick]
  
  
• Fundamental
  Pet Shop Boys
  [Rhino Entertainment]
  
  
• The Garden
  Zero 7
  [Atlantic]

Of these albums, which artist does your mother recognize? If it were up to me, I would have handed the award to Zero 7, but no, Madonna gets it because my mother knows who she is. She has no clue who Goldfrapp are, therefore they didn't stand a chance. See this is why acts such as Bob Dylan and John Mayer win every year.

Let's try another one, shall we?

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal
(For established duos or groups, with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.)

• My Humps
  The Black Eyed Peas
  Track from: Monkey Business
  [A&M Records]
  
  
• I Will Follow You Into The Dark
  Death Cab For Cutie
  Track from: Plans
  [Atlantic Records]
  
  
• Over My Head (Cable Car)
  The Fray
  Track from: How To Save A Life
  [Epic]
  
  
• Is It Any Wonder?
  Keane
  Track from: Under The Iron Sea
  [Interscope Records]
  
  
• Stickwitu
  The Pussycat Dolls
  Track from: PCD
  [A&M Records]

So, which of these nominations are you most sick of? My point exactly. Is it possible they could use "My Humps" in more cell phone commercials please? For that matter, does your mom even know who Death Cab For Cutie are?

NOTE TO THE ACADEMY: GIVING THE BLACK EYED PEAS AN AWARD ONLY ENCOURAGES THEM. PLEASE STOP BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT. SERIOUSLY, DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU OF THEIR EMMY PERFORMANCE FIASCO?

IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT TO AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE?

HOW ABOUT MORE OF THIS INSTEAD? IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, THE POLICE LIVE AT THE GRAMMYS!

For your consideration, so you know what we're talking about, here are some Grammy Winning Mp3's. I've divided them up for you in two parts.

Part One Contains:
Bob Dylan - Someday Baby
Carrie Underwood - Jesus, Take The Wheel
The Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
The Flaming Lips - The Wizard Turns On...
Wolfmother - Woman


Part 2 Contains:
Beyonce ft. Slim Thug - Check On It
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
Chamillionaire Ft. Krayzie Bon - Ridin'
Christina Aguilera - Ain't No Other Man
Justin Timberlake - SexyBack ft Timbaland
Mary J Blige - Be Without You
T.I. - What You Know


So there you have it, a full Totally Claimin Grammy wrap up. You can review a full list of the nominees and winners here Use my formula, see if I'm right. Disagree? Leave me a claim!



For Your Consideration:
2007 Grammy Award Winners Part 1 Mp3s
2007 Grammy Award Winners Part 2 Mp3s